Best of 2008 Awards

After lots of nominations, my Best of 2008 Awards have been announced.  Here they are.  The awards show will air at 3:00am EST on ABC.  And, if it doesn't, you won't know, because you'll be passed out from all the alcohol you will be consuming tonight.

Best Invention: Hulu.com.  When cable dies, I know where to point the finger.  Same for Ti-Vo.  And quite frankly, I don't care.  Who needs TV telling when I have to watch my favorite shows, when I can just go on the internet and watch full episodes for free and less commercials?  And what if you have two hours of downtime at the airport because security is supposed to take so long but you walk right through it?  Business travelers don't want to do work; the kids have to be busy (riding the moving walkways is only fun for so long).  And, for those of you with Ti-Vo, you don't have to be around a TV to watch a show you recorded.  There's internet practically everywhere.

Best TV Episode: Family Guy: "I Dream of Jesus."  I don't have exact figures, but I can guess that "Surfin' Bird" downloads on iTunes went up about 300 times since that episode was aired.  The plot is so out there; who goes from Surfin' Bird to Jesus's second coming to Jesus turning in to an asshole and getting all the chicks and promising a spot in his limo to a cow?  The greatest line people forget about is in the beginning when Stewie practically begs Peter to sing it again when they are at the diner because Stewie "loves repetition," but each time Peter sings it or plays it, Stewie gets increasingly frustrated.

Best Sports Moment: Giants Beating The Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.  First of all, the game was incredible.  It was an absolutely amazing game.  The kind of game that if you usually leave Super Bowl Parties early because you were there for the first word of the pre-game show at 10:00 am and bored by halftime, you couldn't do that for this game.  Eli Manning's pass to David Tyree wouldn't happen again if you tried 200 times.  And just watching Bill Belichick's always upset, moany, and whiny voice actually warrant being upset, moany, and whiny, made my, and I'm sure many other people's, day.  I mean, Bill, you can't be upset, moany, and whiny when you go 16-0.  Even though you cheated in one of the games.

Song That Everyone Listened To, But No One Does Anymore: Lil' Wayne - Lollipop.  Don't get me wrong, it was a good song when it first came out.  Then it got old after a month.  I haven't heard it in about 3 months.  And, by the way, who ever decides if songs are still worth listening to, thank you.  I mean that song was everywhere: clubs, radio, iPod, playing in everyone's car, stuck in your head, stuck in your friend's head (and you could still hear it).  I am personally just glad that it is pretty much gone.  I mean, you can't dance to it (no matter how hard you try, you'll still look like an idiot), it's not a song you can just sit back and listen to.  I mean, really, in all honesty, that song belongs nowhere.

Best YouTube Video: Bill O'Reilly Does It Live.  I know this video was not recorded in 2008 but it was leaked on to YouTube in 2008.  We all know Bill has a temper, but wow, this is ridiculous.  You are a journalist (I use that term loosely).  You should know what to play us out means.  You should be able come up with something when there are no words on the teleprompter; it's called thinking on your feet.  I'm glad your show isn't live; it wouldn't be family friendly with you cursing up a storm (aside: that's a stupid saying by the way).

Most Overused Word: Maverick.  Shut up, John.  Shut up, Sarah.  That's all I have to say about this one.

Most Flat-Out Wrong Statement: "The Vice President Runs The Senate."  Really now?  I did not know that.  Oh, maybe because it's wrong.  That's not their constitutional job, Ms. Palin.  It may be what Dick Cheney is doing, but it's not what he's supposed to be doing.  The great part about this quote is that when someone asked her before said this, she said "I'll look it up and get back to you."  You still got it wrong.  You must suck a research.  Or someone you hired does.  Or you can't read.  Or the constitution is different in Alaska.  It must be, Russia is close.  Must be rubbing its influence on poor little Alaska.

Best Move By The American People: Not Nominating Hillary Clinton.  We all would have been in hell.  Someone we should have voted for because she is woman, cries, and has been "runnin' countries' and shit" (Katt Williams quote) lost, and I am very happy.  You shouldn't have been voted in because you were just a woman.  You shouldn't have been voted in just because you were in the White House with Bill.  The two things you were pushing made you lose.  Good job America.  Especially because if Hillary was the Democratic nominee, what would we have done?  McCain with Palin?  Hillary with whoever she picked?  Canada would have looked nice.

The "What The Hell?" Quote: "We would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper."  Excuse me?  Really Mike Huckabee?  You would?  That's not good for either the popcorn popper or you, is it?  Are squirrels supposed to be eaten?  Who fries squirrels in a popcorn popper?  Why say that unprompted?  I am really at a loss of words for this one.  It's just so out there.  Wow.  Funny thing about the clip is that he actually asks if they have ever done that before.  I don't think they have.  I don't they will, either.  Especially because popcorn poppers are now microwaves, and I don't think microwaves would fry a good squirrel.

Funniest Quote: On Hillary's Chances of Winning. "Things aren't looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she's just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing."  Jay Leno, you couldn't have been more right.  The amazing part is how Hillary even slept with Bill.  Hillary is more hurt than getting standing in a middle of an interstate, getting hit a tractor trailer, landing on a rusty nail, having a tetanus shot with a non-straight needle, all while getting hit in the face by Oscar de la Hoya (when he was good) and have Andre Aggassi serving tennis balls at your genitalia.  But, Bill must not get the good looking women, Monica Lewinski wasn't good looking either.  Back to the quote, though.  Jay Leno was dead on.  The fact that it is true gives it bonus points.

It's Ok If You Get To Your New Year's Eve Party A Second Late

Usually, I don't condone arriving too late at a party, you want to get all the party goodness.  But this year, you have an extra second to get ready, thanks to a leap second.  

We all wish time could stand still at least sometime.  Well it will.  The clock will hit 23:59:60 before turning to 00:00:00.  How wonderful.  I'm gonna see how much more I can party in that 1 second.  It will certainly make this New Year's Eve better than last year's.  One of the basic principles of life (in most circumstances) is more is better.  And more time to party is always better.

Apparently this isn't the first time that we had to add a second to the clock.  This is the 24th time in 38 years and the first in three years.  Our clocks must be going to fast, or the earth is going too slow.  Something isn't right though.  I guess adding a second isn't as bad as adding a day though.

This might not be big news, or even important news.  But party that extra second up in 2008.  Whoever decides that we need an extra second (who is that, by the way?), might decide not to give it to us in 2009.

Global Warming?...Ha!

There just can't be global warming.  I'm freezing my ass off.  It feels like -30 in Chicago and -10 in New York City.  That's not warm.  And, without doing research, I guarantee that those temperatures aren't the warmest ever or near the top for the first day of winter.  Global warming must have taken the day off.

Oh, I only gave US cities?  Ok, here's some international stats.  All parts of Canada might experience a white Christmas for the first time since 1971.  Today was Beijing's coldest December day in 57 years.  A severe cold wave is going to hit Europe.

Global warming is losing.  Global cooling is on top.  Don't say I'm lying.  If the world is so hot, why don't you go swimming.  Then when you need your ice skates, come talk to me.  When your nuts are inside your stomach, come talk to me.  When you take your hot chocolate outside and it freezes within 34 seconds, come talk to me.  

I don't know if I can believe science anymore.

Are You Kidding Me?

I don't ask that in amazement.  I don't ask that in awe.  I don't ask that in astonishment.  I ask that in the "you've got to be kidding me, what the hell, you're stupid" way.

I hardly ever bother to click on the links on the front page of Yahoo, let alone even read the one sentence blurb trying to convince me to click it, but I was in a welcoming mood.  I clicked on the first one and saw this video of an Indian girl pulling a bus with her hair.  Let me repeat that.  An Indian girl pulling a bus with her hair.  Yes, I typed it correctly.  Yes, you read it correctly.  No, I'm not lying.  An Indian girl pulled a bus with her hair.

I just have one question for her.  Why?

I mean come on.  The video has English words on the bottom describing her and what she does.  It says she has been pulling things with her hair since she was a young girl.  Apparently, she started pulling smaller things, like carts, before working her way up to a bus.

I don't even know what to think about this.  Should I be impressed?  Should I just be like, oh, alright?  Should I not care?  Should I slap her in the face?  Should her parents slap her in the face?

Who just wakes up one morning, especially when they are a little girl, and says to themselves, "I'm going to pull that with my hair"?  Did the parents encourage this?  Were they like, "aww, great idea, pumpkin"?  I really do wonder what goes through people's minds sometimes.

And Indians wonder why we make fun of them.  Well, here you go.  Example A.  

It's not that great a feat anyway.  If it even is supposed to be great.  There weren't even people on the bus.  Fill it with people first (and not skinny little Indians, but fat overweight Americans) and then maybe I'll change my mind.  I doubt it.

Is Congress Really That Bored?

Let's face it, there are a lot of problems in the country and the world.  The economic recession, the threat of biological warfare, energy costs, climate change (which I'm still not convinced is caused by humans), the lack of alternative energy sources, the threat of terrorism, unemployment reaching high levels.  That's just to name a few.  But I guess on the top of that is the BCS.  I mean I completely understand, the system for determine our national champion for college football is clearly more important than all those other things.

First things first, the BCS isn't bad.  It's fine.  It's the system we have now, and it looks like it is the system we will have for a while.  The college presidents don't want to change it, the athletic directors don't want to change it, and the conference commissioners don't want to change it.  Therefore, it's not going to get changed.  So get used to it.

I learned I can be many things in the past week.  I learned I can be a German soldier (see here), and now I can be a Congressman.  Apparently, you don't have to worry about those important issues, just college football.  A member of Congress actually wrote a bill to abolish the BCS.  He is on the Energy and Commerce Committee.  The Energy Committee doesn't have anything else to worry about?  I guess not, just the BCS.  Are you kidding me?  Seriously?  No way.  Come on.

Two of the bill's sponsors are from Texas.  Who got screwed the most in the system this year?  Texas.  Coincidence?  I think not.  The good news?  It is a bipartisan bill.

Can't Get Away Twice, OJ

Well, OJ, looks like you can get away with murder, but not armed robbery.  What happened, did the glove fit this time?

First of all, I don't know why OJ would even do anything like this.  He knows he got away with murder.  Why else would he write a book about how he would have done it, if he really didn't do it?  Why else would he have had a TV special on how he would have done it?  (It got cancelled and never aired, but it was planned.)  Just to draw more attention to himself before this stunt?  Hey, at least he won't have to write a fictional novel in jail.  He can a non-fiction book.  What a great opportunity to expand those horizons and learn a new skill.

OJ did give a 5-minute plea saying he was sorry.  It didn't work.  Sympathy only goes so far.  Lies only last so long.  I guess he used all those up on his previous altercation with the law.  Too bad.

My favorite quote regarding the whole thing was by Fred Goldman, Ronald's father (Ronald was killed along with Nicole Brown Simpson), "We are thrilled.... It was satisfying seeing him in shackles like he belongs."

OJ, I guess we'll see you in nine to 33 years, where I will be greatly anticipating your next move.  I wonder what that will be.

I Can Be A German Soldier

I know what some of you may be thinking.  But, yes, I can be a soldier.  Just not for the American army, that's hard to be in.  The German Army though, I can do that.

Seriously, all they do is drink beer and eat sausage.  Only 28 of them were killed in Iraq since 2001.  Twenty-eight.  That's a pretty good ratio.  

So, whatever the Germans are doing seems to be working.  What are they doing?  Eating sausage, neglecting fruits and vegetables, and drinking 2 pints a day, then claiming they are too fat to fight.  Sounds like a plan to me.

America has it all wrong.  We have to let our soldiers drink, then we wouldn't have nearly as many deaths.  And the war wouldn't seem at all that bad.  Would it?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1091559/German-soldiers-fat-fight-Taliban-drink-boys-dry.html

Start Your Christmas Shopping, Now!

That's right! Go!

It's midnight Friday and that can only mean one thing. Black Friday has arrived! Woooooooooo!

Of course I'm completely kidding. I go Christmas shopping on December 23. Why? This way, everything is already sold out so I have a smaller selection to pick from, and I'm incredibly lazy. The first reason sounds a lot more logical. So we'll go with that.

I kind of just want to watch the Black Friday shopping though. It's a bunch of women in their 40's flat out brawling MMA, WWF, and Boxing-style. Sounds like fun. Go grab a beer and a chair and just sit in aisle 2 or the electronics section and watch the fighting. I'm sure there are a lot of things that are better, and I'd probably get bored after 5 minutes of this, but who knows. There would be a beer.

To those of you actually shopping at 4 am, I have two things to say to you: (1) Why?; (2) Good luck.

Rhetorical Questions and Thoughts

I've been thinking about some things. Here they are.

• Why is the word abbreviate so long?
• Why is there an abbrevation for the word abbreviation?
• Why do the people who lose American Idol always have better careers?
• If the arrow in the FedEx logo is meant to show the company is always moving forward, why does it point to the back of the truck and where the truck has just been to?
• Who is going to calm down The Price is Right contestants?
• Why do the buttons of a drive up ATM have braille on it?
• What does the fifth doctor/dentist believe?
• Are TV channels ever going to run out of ideas for TV shows?
• Are needles used for lethal injections sterilized?
• Who thought early 90's fashion looked good?
• What would be the speed of lightning if it went straight?
• Why do we reach for the stars when we are only about 6 feet tall?
• What do they use to ship packing peanuts?
• Why can you golf and bowl but can't baseball?
• Why the hell is NASCAR so damn popular?

Any ideas? Yeah, me neither.

Seriously, You Took The Elevator Up One Floor?

Don't even deny it, I know you did. I was in the elevator with you, going up 6 floors. You come in running for the elevator before the doors close to hit 1 (we were on the ground floor at the time). There are so many things wrong with this, I'm going to list them.

1. You don't need to use the elevator to go up one floor.
2. You don't need to run after the elevator.
3. You could have used all that energy you expelled running after the elevator to walk up the stairs.
4. The stairs are closer to the door you came in from than the elevator is.
5. See no. 1.
6. Stop acting all cool because you are taking the elevator.
7. Stairs are very good exercise. Up to 4 floors, then it's just annoying.
8. You pissed me off and the other kid who was in there too. I could just tell.
9. Your fat ass should have definately taken the stairs.

Seriously, who takes the elevator for one floor? I know of one person. That's all. Just one.

ESPN Must Have Read This

Remember how I complained about ESPN's incredibly large and obnoxious stat line in my 10-12-08 post? (linked here) Well, ESPN must have listened. Because when I watched SportsCenter after the games tonight, their stat line was back to normal.

Whoever did this, thank you.

Maybe my bitching worked. If it didn't, I'm still going to take credit for it.

Go me.

Intoxicated Test

Since school is in full swing, I decided that you could handle another test.  I mean it's only one more.  And, it's only one question.

Multiple Choice

Identify the choice that best answers the question or completes the statement.  More than one answer may be correct.

1. Drunk people are

a. obnoxious.

b. annoying.

c. loud.

d. stupid.

e. lacking motor skills.

f. lacking common sense.

g. ridiculous.

h. silly.

i. rightfully worthy of a punch in the face.

j. easily irritated.

k. under the influence of alcohol.

l. very controlling.

m. unable to walk a straight line.

n. passing out on my couch.

o. fill in your other favorite trait: ___________

p. contradictory.

q. usually incorrect, when it comes to anything.

r. all of the above.

Bonus Question:

Where did all my beer go?

Answer: If you selected choice (r), you are correct.  Now, I'm not saying that I'm not like that when I'm drunk, nor am I not saying that I am not like that when I am sober.  But throughout the year and a half I've been in college, I am just pointing out my observations. 

Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with anything that happened recently; lots of other things have pissed me off that I could write about.  Recent events just propelled me to write this little exam for you.

Disclaimer 2: Answer (r) is the only correct answer, unless you did not fill in anything in choice (o), in which case, you would fail the exam.

Disclaimer 3: Take this list next time you are at a party or club.  I guarantee you will meet someone or multiple people exhibiting at least one or more (likely more) of these traits.

Disclaimer 4: The answer to the bonus question could be one of many things.  I will only accept answers I like from people I like.  If I don't like you, your answer has to be that much better.  I love subjective grading.

Disclaimer 5: Seriously though.  I do not condone or encourage underage drinking (pssshhhh).

Disclaimer 6: No, for real here, honestly, please think when you drink.

The 2008 Halloween Awards

Here are the first annual Halloween Awards winners. The only person who makes decisions is me based on what I saw at the parties I was at last night. I tried to get an awards show time slot on national television, but that didn't quite work out, what a shame. Anyway, here are the winners.

Worst Costume To Go To A Club In: Case of Natural Light. His costume consisted of a large box, a very large box, colored to look like a case of Natural Light. While this costume isn't very creative or engaging, its large space requirement pushed it to the title. Bonus points for him actually going into a club earlier on in the night, and not abandoning his cardboard box.

Most Over Used Costume: Devil. I can't even count how many girls dressed up as devils this year; and I can count to at least ten. I don't know if there was a sale on devil equipment, but there were certainly a lot of devil merchandise available.

Costume Which Brings Back Childhood Memories: Operation Man. Yes, the Operation man. You remember that game. He still earns the title even though he didn't have tweezers with him.

Costume Which Was Talked About, But Not Done: Morning After Pill. It's too bad my friend wasn't able to put it together, it would have been awesome. He would have dressed in all white, and had a baby doll with an X through it. I liked this idea. Creative, out of the box, and something everyone would understand.

Poorly Executed Costume: Ringo from the Beatles. I'm sure people who follow and love the Beatles would have saw it. But when the costume bearer has to ask what you think he is, and later explain it, it the costume is bad.

Costume I Still Don't Get: Short Red Dress, Carrying A Playboy Tray. She did not have the Playboy bunny ears, and the tray was filled with her student ID, cell phone, and cigarettes. I don't know what she could have been.

Costume Which Would Have Been Better 5 Years Ago: Peter Griffin. I know everyone loves Family Guy, but seriously, it would have been better 5 years ago when the show was still relatively new. Should have thought outside of the box more.

Prettiest Costume: Minnie Mouse. This chick was sexy. She wins hands down. Obviously Minnie doesn't bear as much skin as some costumes do, but that didn't really matter. She wins in a landslide.

Best Costume: Tony Romo Dressed As A Baby. By far the most creative yet simple, socially relevant costume of the night. He went all out, had a diaper on, carried a milk bottle and rattle, and had a pacifier hanging from his neck. Here's the best part: he had his pinky taped too.

There you have it, the 2008 Halloween Awards. I hope you can do better (or worse for some the categories) next year. The judging will occur in just 364 days, start thinking about it!

Fun Size Candies Aren't Fun

Who can have fun eating one of them? You need like 34 of them to have fun. A fun sized candy would be like a 5-lb brick. That would be fun. I would enjoy that.

I don't know who decided to name them fun size. But I want to find out. So I can beat him. He got my hopes up. Then when I get a candy the size of a nickel, I was very let down.

Fun sized candy should be renamed. I don't know to what. But definaetely to something else. Like, "Feel Free to Eat 16 of These before Feeling Fat" size, or "I Hope You Didn't Want to Know What This Really Tastes Like" size. Those are more appropriate names. If those were the names though, the print would have to be really small though, so it could fit on the wrapper.

And who decided to start giving out pretzels on Halloween? That's unnecessary. Halloween is supposed to help childhood obesity. Isn't it? I thought that is what the point of the holiday is. And then when kids are asked how much candy they got, they can't include that in the count. "Well, I got 322 pieces of candy. Oh, and two bags of pretzels." It just doesn't sound right.

Why Is There A 75-Year Old Flamingo, Anyway?

That title got your attention didn't it? Thought it would.

What is wrong with Australians? They say words weird, chase wild animals, and apparently attack elderly flamingoes. But, what can you expect from a nation of prisoners?

But, yes, attack old flamingoes. That's what four Australian teens did. Attacked an at leat 75-year old flamingo. And it was blind. Or near blind. Damn teens.

The flamingo was apparently the oldest in the world. They don't live that long in the wild. They shouldn't. A flamingo is cool for about 5 minutes. That's all. No need for them to live 75 years.

So four teens aged 17-19 are charged with aggrevated ill-treatment of an animal. They were released on bail and will appear in court on a later date. Court? This sounds more like a fine and a slap on the wrist rather than court. I guess I'm wrong.

I have to side with the kids on this one though. The flamingo was 75 years old. It is only a matter of time before it dies. And the kids didn't even kill it, just ill-treated it.

The flamingo is unafraid of humans and constantly settles near the fencing. It seems like he wants to die. This was his chance. And with his name of Flamingo One, I don't blame him. Poor little Flamingo One, ain't that a bitch?

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=081030070126.g8s7l0pr&show_article=1

Really, Did I Hear That Right?

I was watching TV the other day and a commercial for a hotel chain (I can't remember which, though, but it was for a business style hotel) came on and the last line of the commercial was this: "So come in, spread out, and get some work done." I laughed.

Who wrote that line? For a hotel commercial? Someone wasn't thinking. Or were they?

Seriously, "spread out and get some work done"? Why invite that kind of stuff in a hotel? You're just going to work the housekeeping staff harder, and they will have to wear gloves when removing the linens.

But that line should not be used for a business hotel chain. More like Motel 6.

I know the intent of the line was not what my dirty little mind is thinking, but it is just too easy. Get some work done as in business work, not "get some work done." Maybe I should grow up. Nah.

ESPN, Why Don't You Make Your Ticker A Little Bit Bigger?

I was watching football all day today, as all good Americans do. After all, it is Sunday. And after the games, I turned to ESPN to watch all the highlights. I could have watched NBC's pregame show for Sunday Night Football, but just the thought of listening to Bob Costas and Cris Collinsworth made me die a little, so I decided to watch Chris Berman and laugh at least a little bit (Bob and Chris are about as funny as nothing, even though they think they are.).

When I turn on ESPN though, I couldn't really watch the highlights because the actual video on the screen was very small. Half of the screen was taken over by stats listings from every game. Half the screen. In addition to that, the normal stats and scores ticker was scrolling on the bottom. I thought I got confused and dizzy watching CNBC and the stock reports at the bottom, but this, holy crap.

I guess I have to watch NBC to get the highlights which I could actually see. I had my glasses on when I was watching ESPN and I still struggled to see the highlights. I think ESPN has channel where I can not actually watch TV (ESPN News). Oh yeah, and there's the Internet. People can look up stats on the Internet.

Oh yeah, New York Jets, please stop wearing those hideous uniforms. What the hell? I thought the Jets' color was green, not obnoxious.

Well Done Rensselaer County

The joke is over, people. No matter how much you want it to be or how much you want to scare the American public, Barack Osama is ridiculous. Seriously, we aren't 5 years old.

Rensselaer County in New York sent out absentee ballots with Barack Osama as the Democratic candidate. They claim it was a typo. That went through three people. None of whom noticed.

Really? How stupid are those people? They must be incredibly. Really? No one caught it? No one? I'm pretty sure at least one out of three people know Barack's correct last name.

And who was the person who typed up the ballot? S and B are not exactly close on the keyboard.

If the voters change the spelling of the name, their vote is considered invalid. That's fishy isn't it? Some voters in the county think so.

But don't worry, only 300 absentee ballots were sent out like that. And if you point out the mistake, they county election office will send you a new ballot. So let's say, optimistically, 50 people get a new one which leaves 250 incorrect ballots. Out of the entire voting age population of the United States (about 75% are of voting age, which means about 2.25 million), only 250 out of 2.25 million people will be exposed. That's a really small fraction. I guess I am overreacting.

http://timesunion.com/AspStories/story.asp?storyID=728326

If You Don't Know What You Are Talking About, Kindly Shut Up

You know who you all are. You walk around acting like you know everything about the thing are you are talking. You talk like you know everything. You genuinely think you know everything. Let me tell you something: in actuality, you know nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Want examples? I got them.

Example A: Italian 101, Friday afternoon, B&E 242, Fellow student claims Arnold Schwarzenegger is 5'1". We were learning physical description adjectives, and our teacher shows us a picture of Arnold at a press conference, with other people standing behind him. Arnold is taller than all of the people in the photo. When asked to describe the governor, he responded "basso," which means short. After the class laughed, the student claimed Arnold was 5 foot 1. Laughter resumed. He was arguing with us that he was really that short (the student claimed the angle of the picture made him look taller than everyone else). After 5 minutes of discussion, the teacher looked it up on the computer and revealed that Arnold is 6'1". Please shut up kid who sits next to me. I never liked you anyway, and now I really don't like you.

Example B: Whitewater rafting on the Gauley River; Saturday morning; Summersville, WV; Fellow rafter thinks he's the best ever. He was telling us how to paddle, how to raft, and what to do. I know what to do. I've been doing it for 5 years. And there is a guide in the back of the raft who tells rafters what to do. When going through a tough rapid where we had to paddle aggressively, our guide was yelling to paddle harder. I was. I looked over to "Mr. Awesome" and he's barely sticking the paddle in the water. Way to guy who knows everything. Don't be scared of falling out and lean over and paddle. If you're braced correctly (and I know you are, since you are the best), you should not fall out. And when he did fall out (at a different rapid than the previous story) he did not even swim back to the raft. I know at least 5 of the 9 rafters in the raft (including the guide) found him incredibly annoying. We aren't going to help you out if you are. Swim your lazy butt over to the raft, especially in flat water, which is where you were. I didn't like you when I met you, and now I really don't like you.

Do you notice a pattern in the last sentence of each example? Maybe I don't give people enough time to decide if I like them or not (I usually make up my mind in about 2-3 minutes.), but I don't think that will change my ultimate opinion of you.

My New Favorite Justice System

I was in history class yesterday and we were learning about the Kingdom of Ghana which was around in 500-1000 AD. We learned about their justice system, and I think we should adapt it, or some similar variation thereof.

When the accused went to trial they drank a mixture of sass wood and water. If they vomited, they were innocent; if they didn't, they were guilty. Sounds like an excellent plan, right?

I mean think about it. Trials would take no more than 5 or 10 minutes. That's what I call a speedy trial. Let's face it, the only draw back is that the media wouldn't be able to cover celebrity's trials for 54 of a 60 minute news broadcast. It'd only be like the amount of time they spend determining if Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and whether we have 6 more weeks of winter. But maybe the news can then spend time on stuff that matters like, I don't know, anything else. (We do have Entertainment Tonight for celebrity stuff.)

But trials will be much more interesting. It'd be like the part of Fear Factor when they have to drink lizard pee or dinosaur eggs (where did they get those) or something else disgusting. But, we wouldn't have to see it. We could put the concoction in a dark glass. Then after that, if you vomit, make sure you get it in a trash can. You wouldn't want to be cited for littering, would you?

That's Ok, I Don't Like Money Anyway

First of all, I'm kidding about that; money is very good. I just wish I had that kind of mentality, and I'm sure many Americans wish they did too, especially now, because, well, no one has any.

The Dow dropped 500 points on Monday. Five hundred. Holy crap. That is a lot. But I am reassured, the fundamentals of our economy are fine. And John McCain never lies. After all, for 5 1/2 years, he didn't have a home or kitchen table. (Ok, that's not a lie, as much as it is a "I'm not going to answer your question.")

But seriously, it's a good thing I don't have stocks. I don't know nearly enough, or anything at all, about the stock market. All I know is that if it goes up it's good, and if it goes down it's bad. And if it goes down this much, we're screwed.

I was a little optimistic after it went up 114 on Tuesday, but lost all optimism when it dropped 450 today.

I wonder how the European stocks are. Or Chinese. Or Canadian. Or Mexican (couldn't be any worse, could it?). Maybe I'll just move there. Nah.

One day we will laugh at all this though, just like when we watch those Great Depression videos in history class. (I apologize if I offended any elderly person who lived through the Depression. I do wonder, though, how you are reading this, especially since you probably can't use a computer. Oh did I offend you again? Deal with it this time.) We just won't laugh about it today, or tomorrow, or probably even the next day (especially since the market is closed on Saturdays), or when the Dow his zero, which at this pace is only about 24 days.

100 Meter Time For Usain Could Have Been Insane

What a rhyme right? I should be a poet. Alright, maybe not because they make virtually no money and have no recgonition when they are alive. I want money when I'm living. That'd be nice. Wow, let's get this train back on the track (if it even started on track).

We all know Usain Bolt is, well, fast. He set the world record in the 100 meters at 9.69. Yes, old news. There was speculation about how fast he could have ran it in if he didn't showboat for the last 20 meters. Luckily, there are some people smarter than Bob Costas and Cris Collinsworth (and by some, I mean 70% of the world population for Cris Collinsworth) who can figure this kind of stuff out.

A physicist in Norway figured out that his time could have been anywhere between 9.55 and 9.61 based on acceleration, speed, position, and whatever else you need to figure that out. I'm assuming a calculator was also used in this process.

But, let's put this in perspective. 9.55 seconds. Are you kidding? I'm lucky if I can get my ass off the couch in 9.55 seconds, let alone run 100 meters in 9.55.

Could this physicist have done something more important with his time? Probably. Would we care what he did with his time if he didn't do this? Nope. Unless he found out that gravity will shut off in 20 minutes. Then we'd care.

http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/trackandfield/news/story?id=3583692

Got To Love Irony, Right Tom Brady?

I love it. This is funnier than your favorite 5 comedians combined.

Tom Brady was on the injury report for 5 straight years. That's (not including pre-season and playoffs) 80 weeks. The one time he's not on the injury report, he gets hurt. And is likely out for the season. I don't know if I can stop laughing.

Oh boy, whew. Alright, breathe. Ok. I can't stand Tom Brady that cocky, arrogant, son of a bitch. I can't stand Bill Belichick, that cocky, arrogant, son of a bitch. So, for this to happen, it's very satisfying. That sounded kind of harsh, didn't it? I guess so, but at least I wasn't wishing for his death.

Was the hit dirty? No. So shut up. It's called football. Last time I checked, that's a pretty dirty sport, even if you play clean. I don't even know what the difference between dirty and clean is, but if I saw it I would know it, and I haven't seen it yet. I guess dirty would be intentionally trying to hurt someone. Or rubbing shit in someone's face; that's dirty, not to mention unsanitary. But, come on, the defender couldn't have thought, hmm, I'm going to tear Brady's ACL here. I guarantee that's not what he was thinking.

In other NFL news, Chad Johnson, oh my bad, Chad Ocho Cinco, should stop worrying about creating a circus around him, and play football. He got 3 fantasy points this week. Three. I could get 3 fantasy points, I am sure. One catch for 22 yards. Yeah, I could do that. So, Mr. Ocho Cinco practice football now that you have time. I know it took some time out of your day filing paperwork for this name change, but that is all gone now. Go practice catching some balls. Tee hee, that sounded dirty.

College Football Analysts Are Wrong

About what, you ask? The excessive celebration penalty against Washington with 2 seconds to go against BYU on Saturday. Yes, it was excessive celebration. It violated the rule. In football, when a rule is violated, the flag comes out of the referee's belt. It doesn't matter if there is 59 minutes left in the game or 2 seconds left. The flag comes out.

The rule says something very similar to this: After a dead ball, the player should place the ball near the dead ball spot or hand the ball immediately to the official. It goes on to say that an excessive celebration penalty includes (and I am quoting the rule here), "(c) throwing the ball high in the air."

That is exactly what the Washington player did. He threw the ball high in the air. He did not flip it over his shoulder (cough, Mark May). It took a good 2-3 seconds for the ball to come back down. And the ball hit him in his shoulder.

I don't care if it tied up the game against a top 15 opponent. Rules are rules. If he didn't throw the ball in the air, there wouldn't have been a penalty. And, for Pac-10 officials to call it (and Pac-10 officials are homers in non-conference play, we all know), it must have been a penalty.

Why Is My Textbook Talking To Me?

Yeah, you, textbook. Shut up!

But seriously, why are some textbook authors insistent on "talking" to you through the text. I was reading my English textbook this afternoon, and the more I read it, the more angry I got not because I couldn't understand the text, but because it was talking to me.

Here is a paraphrased excerpt from it (Current Issues). I paraphrased it because I am too lazy to copy it word for word. It went something along these lines. "We admit, this list and webbing was printed after editing. We did think of two ideas, two we are ashamed we thought of, to be included, but knew they were stereotypical, and probably unethical. While we are sure you think of ideas along these lines, we hope you edit them out after the brainstorming process, as we did."

To be quite honest, I don't give a damn. In college English classes we are taught to get our point across in as few words as possible. Basically, the whole point of that passage is, "don't be stupid in your writing." Even that is needless to say. I'm going to assume everyone knows what pisses people off. I guess that is a bad assumption though, as these textbook authors didn't know that their incredibly obnoxious style pisses me off.

Textbooks are supposed to present the information to me. I don't want to talk to a piece of paper. I'm not 6 and have imaginary friends and talk to my stuffed animals. I am a college student, and I don't do that kind of stuff anymore. Maybe I'm the only one...?

I'm just looking forward to reading the rest of the 1,000 pages in that text. Oh joy.

Drinking Age Debate

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jWXhmLxHPcv8q_iFiN7nLt7RP8CgD92NJEV00

Despite being a young adult who likes to have a good time, I have always supported the drinking age being 21. I viewed alcohol as a privilege, available only to those who are responsible enough. The federal law that essentially requires states to set their drinking age at 21 is up for reauthorization in 2009, and there has been a recent surge to consider lowering the drinking age to age 18.

I don't want to get too much into the actual issue (you can read about it from the AP article linked above), as I want to get into my opinion now after hearing a more reasonable argument from the "lower the drinking age" side.

States should set their own drinking age without getting "punished" by the federal government for having a drinking age that is "too low." That currently doesn't happen, as any state which has a drinking age lower than 21 loses ten percent of federal highway funds.

The current drinking age of 21 encourages binge drinking. Will there still be binge drinking if the age is lowered? Of course. We want things we can't have; it is simply human nature. Those who are underage will drink more alcohol, because they can't have it. The restriction of drinking alcohol should be replaced by education which focuses teaching moderation. While the best way to learn things is usually by doing, finding out what happens when one's self drinks too much is unpleasant and unnecessary with proper education.

It allows those who are underage to show serious disrespect to the law. Using fake identification is a very serious infraction of the law. By using a fake ID, a person has essentially broken at least two laws: (1) using falsified documentation, (2) purchasing alcohol. Without a doubt, possession and consumption laws are also being broken. By using a fake, it shows others that it is okay to break the law, which is bad role modeling. Younger people will think it is okay to break the law, and if their older sibling is, they likely will also.

Social drinking is a lost art. Drinking is a forbidden pleasure and thus, those who are underage drink more because it is mysterious.

We are essentially segregating college students. When there is a campus event where alcohol is made available to those of age, there are essentially two groups: those who can (usually marked with a wristband) and those who can't. People don't like to be segregated from one another in the same venue. Students want to become one of what they view as the ideal (those who can drink) and get a fake ID, so they can, which leads to binge drinking and the lost art of social drinking.

Prohibition did not work and neither is this "mini-probation." Adults of all ages were breaking the law when there was prohibition in the 1920s. Now, just adults aged 18-21 are breaking the laws. History repeats itself. We are supposed to learn from history. We just haven't in this instance...yet.

Notice, I have not said the typical arguments of "well, you can drive, vote, and go to war, why can't you drink?" That argument, I think, is elementary. There are plenty of better ideas and reasons why the age should be lowered.

I'm not sure what the "correct" drinking age should be. I am sure it should be at least one year later than the driving age. This will reduce the amount of deaths by driving under the influence, which is (basically) why the currently law is 21. If that means different drinking ages in different states, that is fine. I hope Congress realizes the problems the current law has causes, and that the situation is fixed in 2009, when the law is re-voted upon.

A Note To High School Seniors

Ok, high school seniors, this one is for you (and you, and you, and you, this one's for you). So here we go, my advice and lecture about senior year of high school.

1. It is the best year of high school, by far. The first part of the year will be tough with college applications and essays, of course. But, you've been through worse (see: Junior year with SATs, HSPAs, and all that crap), and you lived. College applications will feel like a breeze and you can do them on you're own time (i.e. not at 8am on a Saturday). After about January, you're in the home stretch and are just coasting down the hill to graduation.

2. As much as you think you are, you're not all that. No one likes an entirely cocky and arrogant son of a bitch. A little cockiness and arrogance is okay (I know I am), but there is a balance. You're not invincible and you're not hot shit. Trust me.

3. You don't run this. If you did, the school would be a pile of bricks. You couldn't handle running a school. The administration does a fine job with that. You can say, however, that the school is your house. It is a place for students and you have been there the longest.

4. Teachers can still make your life a living hell. Don't be so lazy and so annoying (see nos. 2 and 3) that teachers get so pissed at you that they actually make you do a shit load of work. They will work with you, they know it's your senior year, but put forth some effort.

5. You haven't had senioritis yet. You think you did at the end of junior year, didn't you? As much as you think you did, you didn't. You ain't seen nothin' yet. Your brain will shut down and be like your body in survival mode when you haven't eaten for 4 days. It just won't work. But, remember, no. 4 is in effect.

6. Enjoy it. I know I've laid out a bunch of stuff that you probably disagree with. Well it's all true, and when you're in my position, you'll realize that I'm right. But there are great advantages and privileges to being a senior. Use them, don't abuse them. The more you use them, the more you will enjoy senior year. You'll figure out your true friends, and that the school you thought you hated so much, you actually loved.

A Note To Freshmen

As the school year is very near (some have already started), here is some advice that I have come up with to help you survive your first year of high school or college.

1. Get acquainted with campus. You're likely going to a place that is much bigger than where you last went to school, and thus, are probably a little intimidated. Don't be. Scout out campus and know where things are. Everyone can spot someone who looks lost, and lost people are likely freshmen.

2. Be confident. Walk with your head up. Look like you know what you are doing (that way, people won't push you around). Realize that while, yes, this is a new experience, it's still just school, and you've been going there for the vast majority of your life.

3. Meet new people. The more friends you have the better. There is strength in numbers. You can't have too many friends or at least people you don't mind talking to. High school and college kids are much more mature than your last school experience, and your good friends will watch out for you.

4. Study hard, party hard. Yes, partying and hanging out with friends is fun. But realize why you're at school: to get an education. Don't waste your or your parents' money by failing your classes. (High school kids: I know what you're thinking, "My parents don't pay." Yes, they do, it's called taxes.) and trust me, the harder you work during the week, the more rewarding that party and socialization is on the weekend.

5. It's okay to be afraid. We all have fears. We all get over them. The first time you rode a rollercoaster you were probably shitting your pants constantly asking what you have gotten yourself into. Two minutes later, the ride is over, and you want to go again. The same thing happens to school.

6. Most importantly, have fun. These are the best four years of your life up until that point. You will have so many memories that it's almost ridiculous. Plus, if you have to spend four years of your life doing it, why not have fun while doing it?

I Hate The Metric System

Everyone has always said that hate is such a strong word. I agree. But I truly do hate the metric system. I didn't realize how much I hate the metric system until I had geography class today.

First and foremost, most people think that the French created the metric system. That is slightly true; they were the first to actually implement the system of weights and measures. But, actually during the first congress in 1790, America's own Thomas Jefferson proposed his own version of the metric system, which about five years before the French started the system. As you can see, the congress did not approve the system, and at that time, the congress was approving just about anything. America shot down one of its own ideas. That never happens to a good idea. Examples: Star Spangled Banner as National Anthem, good idea, approved; moving most holidays to Mondays for a 3-day weekend, good idea, approved; building a fence along the Mexican border, good idea, approved. Based on this logic, metric system, bad idea, not approved.

I don't care if the rest of the world uses it. I don't care if it makes sense to scientists and the like. I don't care if it's based on 10s. I don't care that our system is based on how long a king's foot was. I don't care that there are 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard. Why? Because our system is traditional. It makes sense to the American people. We know it. We don't want to be bothered learning a whole new system. We don't want to change our road signs or cars. We don't want to change our football field.

To all you pro-metric system people out there, don't give me this ridiculous scenario: "How many feet are in a mile?" I know, 5,280. "How many inches are there in a mile?" I don't know. "See, you would know how many cm are in a km." No I wouldn't. I would spend just as much time trying to figure out the decimal conversions as I would spend doing 5,280 x 12. Plus, who cares how many inches are in a mile? We will never have to know it, ever. (63,360 inches in a mile, by the way.)

Hey, People, Get Smarter

Ever encounter someone and then think to yourself, "wow, that's the dumbest person I have ever met," or even go to the extreme and replace "I have ever met" with a simple "ever?" Well, if you say ever, I say wrong! I say that because today I met the dumbest person ever.

I was waiting in line for food and I was hungry, so I could be judging him unfairly, but I don't think I am. After the first time he spoke, I knew he was trouble. He goes to grab some fries and asks me (who has no idea what anything costs, I just pay it) how much they cost because "the price is not listed on the board." I simply respond, I don't know, but I could have simply looked up on the board and indicated that they were $1.30, because it was very clearly posted. Ok, so that's not so bad, but then there was this. His total came to $6.10. After the cashier counted out the 90 cents, which is a lot coins and closes the drawer, the customer goes, "oh wait, here's a dime, give me a dollar back." Then, after about 5 minutes of explanation from the cashier that she will have to wait until my order is rung up to open the drawer and exchange the coins to a bill, comes the soda fountain. Just when you think it couldn't get any more ridiculous, it does.

It literally takes him about 2 minutes to figure out how to work the thing. Apparently he thought it was automatic (he just put his cup under the spout). Then he's looking for a button. (Fair enough, some of them have buttons, except for the fact that this one had big black levers you press the cup up against.) Finally figured that out. You think I'm done, don't you. I'm not.

It takes another 20-30 seconds to figure out which way the lid goes on the cup. After he realized I was more pissed than when a human with a golf club comes within 5 feet of a goose (by the way, they hiss, a lot), he turns to me and says "sorry." I don't know if he was trying to apologize for taking a half hour, or his sheer stupidity, but I took it.

All of that is a true story. Not based on a true story. Not inspired by a true story. But an actual encounter with an actual human (I'm assuming that's what he was. He didn't have antennas or anything, but I really hope he isn't part of my species.)

So, I have an assignment for every person in the world. Use common sense. If you don't have any, take a class in it. I will be publishing a book shortly.

Notes From An Asian City

The Games of the 29th Olympiad are well underway in Beijing, and I have a lot of stuff to talk about. So, let's get this party started.

First and foremost, I love the Olympics. Seeing sports you never see (water polo and handball), watching athletes' passion toward their sport, and watching history rewrite itself over and over again, who wouldn't want to watch it. Best of all, it only comes every 4 years, so you almost have to get excited about it. Moving on.

London, calm down: A London paper broke the story that the fireworks that were seen on television during the opening ceremony (which, by the way, was phenomenal) were fake. Whoop-dee frickin' do. There were fireworks that were launched at the stadium, but it would have been nearly impossible to catch the mass amounts of them on TV. So, there were computer generated fireworks. Sounds fine to me. Point of irony: London hosts the 2012 Games. Jealous much, London?

Michael Phelps: Yes, he's good. Really good. But there are more swimmers than just him, especially in the relays. Dan Hicks and his annoying counterpart can talk all they want about exclusively him during individual races. But during relays, please talk about the other swimmers too. After the 4x100, it wasn't, "America wins the gold, what a great team accomplishment." No, it was "America wins the gold, and Phelps' dream of 8 golds is still alive." While that was true, you have to give props to the anchor who swam ridiculously well to edge out the win. At least Michael, it seems, has his own head on straight, and acknowledges his teammates during the relays.

Danny Almonte in reverse: Athletes in the gymnastics competition have to be at least 16 years old. Now, call me skeptical, but China's first women's gymnast on floor exercise tonight (I think she was wearing number 329) wasn't 16. She has to be 14. It looks like she doesn't have all her teeth in yet, and should be expecting a tooth fairy visit tonight in the Olympic Village. I probably wouldn't believe myself as much if there weren't rumors about China faking their gymnasts' ages. I'll give it to her though, even if she isn't the minimum age (which, she isn't), she is ridiculous. Such a young age and that good.

Who pissed off New Zealand? In the syncronized diving competition, the New Zealand judge was constantly about one point less than all the other judges. Not really important, as his scores almost always didn't count, but it's just interesting.

Congratulations to Togo. Yes, Togo. They finally got their first olympic medal ever. The whitewater kayaker (who's name escapes me right now, and I'm way too lazy to look it up) was so excited in his celebration, he actually snapped his paddle. Good to see that kind of passion and raw emotion.

Well, I think that's all I have to say about the games so far. Except that Bob Costas should not talk as much, for the sake of America. Enjoy the olympics, and of course, USA #1.

Are You Serious, America's Got Talent?

I was relegated to watching America's Got Talent on NBC last night because there was absolutely nothing else on television. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't a big fan of the show before I watched last night, and now, I definitely am not.

Last night they cut the competition down from about 2.5 million acts (ok, exaggerating, but still a lot) to 60 acts. Among those who made the cut: a 9-year old "singer" and a 4-year old "singer." Yes, you read that right. And, no, I'm not lying. I may be sarcastic, but unfortunately, this is all true. The judges (why is Sharon Osbourne a judge?) brought out a few acts and divided them into a yes, you're moving on line and a no, you suck line. Could you imagine being a 20-year old singer (actual singer) in the no line looking at a 4-year old "singer" who can only "sing" Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star and Ring Around the Rosey in the yes line? By the way, the 4-year old can't even say "practiced" correctly; how can she sing well enough?

Sure, it's cute to have them on the audition shows and the first round of the Vegas call backs, but having them advance to the short list of 60? That's over the top. The judges know they aren't going to win. Hurt the feelings of the little kids early in the show rather than devastating them later in the show. I just hope America knows these kids aren't really any good and really don't have any talent, yet. And why are these parents allowing these kids on this show? They have to know they aren't going to win, especially when there are acts who have been practicing their performances for sometimes twice as long as the kid are old.

And Sharon Osbourne has to get off the show. She is annoying and an inconsistent judge. In the same hour of the show she said that she can only judge on what she saw today and that one guy has a lot of potential, and urged the other judges to push a certain act forward. There's the consistency we all like in a judge. Besides, what has Sharon done besides marry Ozzy? Nothing.

Before you tell me I'm wrong just because America's Got Talent is the number one show of the summer, consider this. Only 13 million Americans disagree with me and watch the show regularly. Assuming that all the other 287 millions agree with me, I am in the vast majority.

Hey, Brett Favre: Grow Up

I have a riddle for you: Who is just about fourty years old, said he was retired, didn't mean it, then meant it, now doesn't mean it again, and won't even talk to teams who he doesn't want to be traded to? Give up? It's not difficult. Brett Favre.

Brett Favre is 38 years old going on 2. He's basically at the point where he just stamps his foot, yells, storms off to his room, and slams the door when he doesn't get his way. He is trying to come back when he said he is retired and done with playing football, he refuses to talk to the Jets and Buccaneers for trade offers, and it looks like he won't accept the $20 million the Packers offered him to stay retired. (Let me get this straight, $20 million to stay retired and he won't take it? What the hell?)

So, Brett, either do what your team wants you to do (be a back-up), get traded to a team you don't want to play for, or take the 20 million. I know what I would do.

I am proud of the Packers though; they have named Aaron Rodgers the starter and they are sticking with their decision.

But seriously, Favre has to grow up. Maybe he should have never retired in the first place. Then we wouldn't have to listen to this. I have an idea, maybe he should play a different sport (i.e., minor league baseball) and then come back to the NFL. It works for the NBA I hear.

What Are Some Girls Thinking?

Greetings from Ocean City, MD! That's right, this blog goes on location, too. By the way, the ocean is freezing; it can't be more than 60 degrees. They say it is 70 degrees, but my blood froze immediately upon entering. I'm not expecting any sympathy from anyone, I'm just putting it out there.

Moving on. I was at the grocery store shopping for some food for the hotel room and I saw something that really annoys me (hard to believe right?). Why must chunky (read: extremely large) girls wear extremely tight clothing? I almost lost all my appetite while I was in the store. But, I trucked on shopping. Now, maybe it's just me, but what the hell? I mean come on. Think about what you are going wear and your figure before you put it on. I mean, I kind of feel bad for them. Doing that certainly turns heads, but in the other direction.

Maybe I am coming across a little mean, and maybe that's my intent. I'm not quite sure. Kind of like I'm not quite sure what those kind of girls are thinking.

I'm not saying guys don't wear things that don't exactly compliment their figures. Kind of like large gentlemen wearing speedos. Or anyone wearing a speedo in general. Speedos, just, ew.

So, I guess the moral of the story (yes, I give advice too; is there anything I don't do on this blog?) is think about what you are wearing before you actually put it on. Some clothes are made for some people, and, well, some clothes just aren't.

Move Over Marvin, There Are Other Aliens On Earth Too

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,24070088-13762,00.html

Yes, you heard it (well, read it) here first. Aliens have visited Earth on many occasions and all the governments in the world aren't telling us! Who is saying this, you ask? Not some drunk guy with no future trying to get into the Ripley's Believe It or Not museum, but a former NASA astronaut who holds the record for the longest moon walk. Maybe the lack of oxygen on the moon finally got to him.

I have no problem with people claiming that there are aliens or that even aliens have visited us on earth. But all the governments in the world have been covering this up for 60 years? That is a very coordinated effort. I mean, we aren't all exactly friendly with each other. Unless covering up alien encounters and visitations is the only thing all the countries agree upon. And, to be frank, I don't think that's possible. Yes, call me a skeptic, but come on, all of them? That's certainly a lot.

But NASA is yet again calming me down. They are just on fire this month with making sure I don't poke one of my eye balls out (see Sex in Space post). According to a spokesman, "NASA is not involved in any kind of cover up about alien life on this planet or anywhere in the universe." Whew, I knew the government wouldn't keep important information away from the public.

Here's the kicker, though. The only reason why we weren't all killed when they came is because the aliens are friendly. Their technology is much more sophisticated. But Marvin the Martian just wants to distroy Earth. When he can't, he just gets really mad. There seems to be an inconsistancy between the cartoon and this astronaut's actuality.

But just in case aliens really are visiting this planet, maybe they can book a hotel in the US to help our economy.

Attention Newspaper Writers: You Can Overuse A Pun

I was planning on continuing my thrilling series on government banning fast food and trans fats, which is one of the few (ok, a lot of) things that really irritate me. Then, I read the title of the article and decided to write about that instead, because bad humor irritates me too. And, why focus on one irritating thing?

The article was about California being the first state in America to ban trans fats. The title, you ask? "Hasta la Vista, Artery Cloggers! Arnie Terminates Trans Fats." Can I get a what, what? Honestly, that is by far one of the worst puns I have ever heard. Using lines from Schwarzenegger films in titles and calling him the "governator" was funny for about the first 20 minutes. After that, not so much. I mean, don't people know when a joke is over used? I guess not. It's time to get some new material here, newspaper writers. The news is almost ever changing, why can't your bad puns be too? Maybe if the writer only wrote one pun in there, I wouldn't be so mad. But, two. Seriously? Wow.

Not to critize the article (any more than I already have), but Arnie didn't actually make the law. Last time I checked (and this is my field of study in school), legislature writes the law. Last time I checked again, the governor is not in the legislature. Sure, he approved it and signed it into law, but even if he vetoed it, it could still become law. Alright, sure I'm getting nit picky here, but do you really want me going on and on about trans fats again? I didn't think so.

Can A Government Really Ban Fast Food?

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121668254978871827.html?mod=yhoofront

Apparently, yes. I don't know if that violates capitalism or anything, but is this really the most important thing city governments can be doing? I guess lowering crime rates and researching ways to reduce smog aren't as important as worrying what people eat.

Yes, obesity is a problem in this country. There's no doubt about it. But eating healthy foods is a personal choice and personal responsiblity. Why should the government be this conserned with what people eat? The government should stop trying to be our mommy and do something useful. I thought it was ridiculous when NYC made the fast food restaurants change their cooking oil. I think we all know the menu items are incredibly unhealthy, I mean, we all saw Supersize Me.

Where does personal responsiblity come into play? No where. At least not here. People should make their own choices in life, and if not exercising and eating Big Macs and Whoppers all day is their choice, they should pay the consequences.

Asterisk on a Golf Trophy? Michelle Wie Got Into Stanford?

Is Padraig Harrington's Open Championship win doubted? Should there be an asterisk on the trophy because the tournament was Tiger-less? No. After all, Padraig won with Tiger in the field last year. Just because Tiger was not in the tournament doesn't mean Padraig's win should be discredited. Winning a tournament means that the golfer beat all the other golfers in the field of that particular tournament. There have been many tournaments that Tiger hasn't played in that other golfers won. Are those wins questioned or doubted? No. Why should this tournament be any different? Padraig played outstanding golf, especially on the inward 9 on Sunday to capture his second (consecutive) Open Championship. And the good thing about that is that he got to be interviewed again, and he has a cool accent.

Way to go Greg Norman, who lost the tournament. All he had to do was shoot even par to win or one over to force a playoff. It was definately within reach: Norman shot a 2-over par 72 yesterday in 40 mph winds. Harrington shot a 69 today. I'm not saying that Norman lost the tournament as much as Harrington won, but Greg, come on now, you have to do better than that.

Michelle Wie wins the "Where's My Common Sense and Elementary Intelligence?" Award for the month (and there still are 10 days left in July). Wie, well on her way to placing in the top 3 in the LPGA State Farm Classic this weekend to earn her LPGA membership card for the 2009 season failed to sign her scorecard before leaving the scorer's tent on Friday and was disqualified. Last time I checked, signing your scorecard is one of the most fundamental rules of golf. It's the heart of the honor system. And she didn't do it. Stanford accepted her. I hope she had a good transcript and extracurriculars.

Wait, The British Open Is Played At A Summer Resort?

Yes, yes it is. People in the UK actually go to Royal Birkdale in the summer to vacation, or go on holiday as they call it across the pond. In case you weren't watching, they were playing in conditions which weren't exactly ideal. Even if you were Noah and you were building an arc to save the animals. It was raining sideways. (Thank you, Olie.) The temperature didn't top 60 (Fahrenheit) and the wind was up near 30 mph in the early part of the day. If that's the weather in England in the summer, what's it like in the winter? Does it snow frogs?

Looking at the leaderboard (why do they call it a leaderboard if everyone is on it? But, I digress.), US Open runner-up Rocco Mediate is tied for first. Not far behind (one stroke to be exact) is Greg Norman. Yes, Greg Norman. He's 53 years old and doesn't regularly compete anymore, and is only one stroke behind after 18 holes in the Open Championship. Meanwhile, Phil Mickelson (ranked No. 2 in the world) is T-123 after carding a 79. I knew things in England were sometimes topsy-turvy, but I didn't expect it to carry into their national golf championship. I guess that's why I'm not Miss Cleo.

Hopefully, Round 2 is just as enjoyable as Round 1. Hit 'em straight...

Wouldn't Sex In Space Be Hard?

http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/080707-space-encounters.html
"For all we know, sex in space has already taken place." What? Are you serious? Come on, now. I think the one giant leap for mankind was walking on the moon, not having intercourse on it. And plus, how are you supposed to do it with a spacesuit on? Are there fly zippers?

I thought the article couldn't get any more ridiculous until I read Jason Kring's quote. "To say that astronauts are some superior beings who cannot have interests in any kind of sexual feeling for three years ... I just don't buy it." Ok. Let me get this straight. When an astronaut is in space, he or she is on a mission. A job. If you had sex where you worked wouldn't you get fired? I'm no expert in the 'sex in an office' field but I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon. What happened if she got pregnant? Would that make the baby an alien because it is from outer space?

I am reassured, however, that NASA doesn't have any studies regarding sexuality in space.

But if you do want to have sex in space, there are some tips on how to manage your gravity-less environment. The author of Sex In Space (yes, that's a real book. I can't make this stuff up.) actually details possible intercourse methods such as a "modified missionary position" or "seated with 'interlocking Y legs." Apparently, you can also use props like an elastic waistband. That takes sex toys to a whole new level.

Laura Woodmanesee, the author of the Sex In Space, predicts that "honeymoons in space and out-of-this-world sex will be a reality within a decade." Yes, really. Sounds like a job for Captain Kirk...

Thank God This Pregnant Dude Gave Birth

Now, hopefully, I won't have to keep hearing about it. When I first saw a headline about this pregnant man, I gave it a chance. Then after reading the article, I gave up on it. Just because you have the outside appearance of man doesn't mean you are. That's like saying that if a rhino is born in the water it is a fish. I mean, I have seen girls that look like dudes before. But I know they are still girls. Because they have the insides of a girl. But I guess he's a man because he's legally a man. I don't believe it. If I trusted everything the government tells me, I would think we are winning in Iraq and that the mission was accomplished.

Here's the kicker though. People care so much about this ridiculousness that he appeared on Oprah. Seriously. Oprah. Come on people, don't encourage this man and/or woman.

I just hope he/she doesn't want a second child. I don't want to go through this hullabaloo again.

I Was Right About Sunscreen

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/07/01/sunscreen.study/index.html

But then again, when am I ever wrong? I was watching CNN this morning and they had a segment about how popular brands of sunscreens don't work, and how a key ingredient in almost all sunscreens is harmful. Thank you for proving me right Environmental Working Group.

I was never a big sunscreen advocate, I just put a little (with a low SPF, like 15) on my neck so it doesn't burn because that is really painful. Other than that, I don't lotion up. It feels awful when you put it on; you feel all slimy and gross. And, I never had a good feeling about it. I mean we don't really know what's good for us anymore, do we? Nope. Not at all. I said in about 20 years scientists would tell us the sunscreen was causing skin cancer, not the UV rays. While it is not that extreme (yet), there still are harmful ingredients. If you are still worried about those all natural rays the sun gives off, a bad sunscreen actually increases your danger to the sun. Sunscreen that is waterproof and sweatproof really isn't either. It's just a big money making scam.

It feels good beating science to the right answer.

Can A Commercial Make Me Dumber?

After watching the Nature Made Vitamin commercials, I am going to have to say yes. Wow. If you have seen them, you know what I mean. If you don't and you see the first two seconds, which consist of a guy studying the history of vitamins, turn it off, change the channel, actually get up off the couch and not face or listen to the television for the next 30 seconds. Trust me, it will save your life.

I don't think, actually I know, I would not be in that commercial as the historian who studies the history of vitamins. Is there a more degrading job than picking up the poop horses leave behind in parades? Apparently so. I mean come on, look at what he had to wear. Either they paid that actor a healthy sum of money or he has no self respect at all. It's probably the latter, because I haven't even heard about Nature Made until I saw that commercial.

I guess the commercial served its purpose, though, as I am talking about the product now. I have said "that's the dumbest commercial I have seen" many times. But this time, I am right. There is no possible way this can be out stupid-ed. Even by the Geico cavemen.