Starting My Christmas Wish List

I know it's not Black Friday yet, but I am starting to put together my Christmas wish list. So, if you want to give me something, here are some ideas to start.

• I want all of my diagnoses and doctor's orders given in this manner. I don't know if that will ever get old. Kind of like this will never get old. Yeah, it didn't because there was a new one that came out a year later. It should be played at clubs. I'd dance. Or try to dance.
• While you're at it, dance lessons couldn't hurt....
• I am not the Animal Planet guy, but I want one of these. What is it? I don't know. But it's a-fricken-dorable.
• I also want this boat. The girls do come with it, right?
• And even though I'm done with English classes, I want to look out for the youth of America. Let's teach English classes like this.

Now I am going to mail this to the North Pole. Please, Santa, please!!!!

Hey, Urban Meyer and MLB, Grow Some Balls

Alright, things usually don't piss me off. Fine, you caught me. Let's add these two to the list though.

Urban Meyer, why don't you suspend Brandon Spikes appropriately for his actions. Gouging the eyes on an opponent, clearly intentionally, merits more than a half-game suspension. I could, maybe, possibly, sort of see that if it was against a better opponent, but its Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt was good for a total of one year. When the team's average IQ is higher than the average offensive yards gained per game, you know they aren't good. So come on, Urban, suspend him for more than one half. The only thing you are preaching: nothing will stand in the way of repeating as national champions. Not even disciplining players for inappropriate and unsportsmanlike actions. Come on Urban, grow some balls.

Yankees, do you need ten thousand time outs per inning to talk about the next pitch? I guess so. You know how you take too many? When you take eight in one inning and four while the same batter is up. Yes, it's important to be on the same page. But do you know why people don't like baseball as much anymore? It takes too damn long. It's slow. You're not helping baseball's cause. Now I understand its America's pastime. I propose the following rules to help aid baseball games go faster. 1: Three defensive time outs per inning, including when the coach/manager comes out. 2: 15 seconds to pitch. 3: The batter can leave the batters' box only twice per at bat. The one MLB can pass and easily enforce: limiting trips to the mound. Pass this rule MLB. Come on MLB, grow some balls.

You know who has grown balls? The PGA Tour. They suspended a player for one year on the Nationwide Tour (the minor league of the PGA) for violating the league's PED policy. Yes, the PGA Tour has an PED policy and enforces it. Go figure. They grew some balls.

Calling 911 is Good

Calling 911 on yourself, however, is questionable. Sure you are trying to get your criminal ass off the street. But why put yourself in jail or give yourself a mighty big fine?

It's beyond my best guess. Which probably isn't very good.

I Guess That Was A Decent Dunk

This guy thinks he's all that. Just becuase he can incorporate three tricks into one dunk doesn't mean he's good. I'm kidding, that was just ridiculous. Who does that? Besides him? The only drawback: Look at the court markings. That's not an American court because the key is a trapezoid. So there's a distinct possiblity this was a European dunk, in which case, it lowers its value.

Stop Ending Sentences Stupidly, You Know, So...

I overheard a conversation on the PRT today (the PRT is a form of transportation in Morgantown, similar to a monorail, but not really), and the way one of the kids was talking annoyed the crap out of me. When you speak, don't resort to using the same damn phrase at the end of every sentence, you know, so. It just gets annoying, you know, so. Maybe you shouldn't be having a conversation if you have nothing else to say, you know, so. Or just stop talking, you know, so. Get it? And don't even get me started on like inserting like the word like in like every sentence. Like I find that really like annoying too, you know, so.

Um, Excuse Me?

Ok, so my predictions for the U.S. Open were not exactly...good. Paul Casey, thanks for showing up. My winning score prediction was close, only 100% error, not bad. But if I handicapped the field for the British Open and told you Tom Watson (59-year old Tom Watson) would be leading after 54 holes, you'd say I was crazy. Tom Watson is the 54 hole leader. And Tiger missed the cut. But Tom Watson is 59 years old and winning. How does that happen? You can't even play in the British Open if your 60 years old unless your special. He's old. And Tiger missed the cut. But that doesn't matter. Because Tom Watson is winning the British Open.

The People's Open

The U.S. Open returns to Bethpage Black, the first truly public course to host a U.S. Open.  The U.S. Open is my favorite tournament, because the players seem to suck during it.  Like a normal person.  And it is America's National Championship.  But the conditions and courses are tough and challenging.  This year's should be fun with the raucous New York/New Jersey crowd.  I'm going two days (Thursday and Saturday) and can't wait.  Here are some predictions for the weekend.

Odds of Tiger winning: 4-1.  He wins about 25% of the U.S. Opens he played in.  That puts it at 4-1 odds.  I think with the rain expected, more players will have a change to challenge him though, as the greens will hold shots.  Ahh, rain, the great equalizer in all sports.

Hole I Hope Works: 7th. A new tee adds 35 yards from 2002 (when the Open was last hosted here) stretching the par 4 to 525 yards.  That's longer than a par 5 on the course.  A 525-yard par-4 is insane.  I hope the scoring average is below 5.2.

Average Score: 74.3  The rain will make it tough.  The rough will be thick.  The sand unforgiving.  The greens will be slower and that might help lower scores, but getting there will be an adventure.

Winning Score: -2. It was -3 when Tiger won at Bethpage in 2002.  I'm feeling -2 this year.  Just a hunch.

Guy I Want To See Win: Phil Mickelson.  He wants it too (obviously).   But this one will be special, as his wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Projected Winner: Paul Casey.  Three wins world wide including the BMW PGA Championship, one of Europe's biggest tournaments this year.  He didn't work his way up to No. 3 in the world this year for nothing.  The one thing that's hurting him: he's English.  No European has won the U.S. Open since 1970.

We'll see how these projections go throughout the week.

Sarah Palin Should Just Go Away

Good thing Alaska is so far away, because Sarah Palin is starting to annoy me.  Piss me off actually.  She should stay in Alaska.  Aww boo hoo, David Letterman made a joke.   It's his job, Sarah.  He hosts a late night talk show.  I actually watched the Today show interview with her because I wanted to see what she had to say.  Here are some things that annoyed me with her interview with Matt Lauer (who also should just go away, like, immediately).

• How many times can you say fruition in one interview?  Was it on her word-a-day calendar? Does she realize how stupid she sounds saying fruition when she also says that she knows foreign policy because Russia is close to Alaska?
• Letterman was right, you do look like a slutty flight attendant.  
• Yes, Letterman's comments were about statutory rape.  You are absolutely right. (Insert rolling eye emoticon) I don't know how that idea came to fruition in your head.
• Letterman didn't take the convenient excuse because the joke was about Bristol, you moron.
• Don't call me naive when you don't know what the Vice President does.  After you research the job description.
• A "so-called" comedian telling "so-called" jokes at other people's expense?  Nooooo..... And "so-called" is the best you can come up with?
• "Plus it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman."  I can interpret that how I want?  I want to know how you interpret it.  Because you know that was stupid to say (or have your spokesperson say).  That is in bad taste, too, Sarah, because Letterman would not rape your daughter.  Come on.
• There was a double standard about families because Obama had earned respect.  You, well, didn't.
• What kind of drugs were you on when you named your kids?  Bristol is a city in Conneticut (did you know that Sarah) and Willow is a tree.  Not names for girls.  Unless they are going to have kids before marriage or get raped.  Oops, now I'm going to have to issue a statement.

STATEMENT: It was a joke.  Get over it.

Big News Everyone Already Knew

I don't watch American Idol. Well, that's a lie, I do watch the auditions and the last 20 minutes of the finale. I watch the auditions because they are funny, and I watch the last 20 minutes of the finale so I know who wins and who loses, and who will have a career (usually the loser).

And the same happened with this season, and to be honest, I had no idea who was in the finale until I tuned in and watched American Idol with host Ryan Seacrest (who, by the way, is still obnoxious). But everyone was talking about this Adam Lambert guy. He was supposed to win. He was supposed to be gay. I guess one out of two ain't bad.

In tomorrow's issue of Rolling Stone magazine, there will be a whole story about how Adam Lambert is gay. Yep, finally came out of the closet.

He was quoted as saying how American Idol helped him gain self confidence. Yep, nothing like losing to bolster that self esteem.

Those Steroids Must Have Helped

A-Rod hit a home run on his first pitch this year.  After he had surgery.  After he hasn't seen a major league pitch since September.  Not even first at bat.  It was the first pitch.  Those steroids are good.  Oh that's right, he only took them in Arlington, not New York.  

Speaking of steroids, Manny Ramirez?  Really?  He might be the best hitter in the game.  And I had no doubt he was clean.  I guess not.  But we don't know if he took steroids, he just took a female fertility drug that people usually take after a steroid cycle.  But we don't know if he took steroids.  Players are so honest these days that I believe them.  But why a female fertility drug?  I still want to know.  If you are taking a steroid, why take such a sissy drug?  Why not take a manly drug.  Like HGH.  Now that's a manly drug.

Oh, and for A-Rod, no matter how many first pitch home runs he hits this year, he'll be back to normal come September and October.  Awful.

Make Up Your Mind Already

Should I be scared shitless or not?  No one can make up their mind about this swine flu.  Is it going to kill me and should I be in a bubble so I don't get it?  Or no?  No one can tell me anything.  Every day it's something new.  Before, WHO said this swine flu (my bad, H1N1 virus) is not any worse than the normal flu.  Now they say over 2 billion people could get it.  Two billion, with a b.  That's a lot.  That's 2 Chinas.  And there are almost 900 new cases of this in 41 states.  Maybe we are over reacting.  Actually I know we are.  The University of Illinois-Chicago is banning handshakes at graduation.  Oh yeah, that will stop the spread of the disease.  Also, no hugging your family after graduation either.  A Chicago health official even hinted that this is ridiculous.  Should WHO declare a full pandemic? No but I am declaring we are all crazy.

Brett Favre, You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

So, Brett Favre is talking with the Vikings to return to playing in the NFL...again.  I thought he retired...twice.  He is worse than Michael Jordan with the NBA.  But at least he left to play another sport, not play with himself.  Brett Favre better not come back or I am going to go ballistic.  First of all, he sucks now.  Second of all, he can't compete.  Third of all, he's just getting really annoying.  And if he does decide to stay retired (which looks like it won't happen, as Chris Mortensen said it would be more surprising for Favre not to play) he better not be announcing.  I'd rather listen to Bryant Gumbel.  Ok, maybe not.  He is awful.

And besides, aren't there enough former NFL players as analysts?  I mean we got Michael Strahan (who I learned after a little research is a host of Pros vs. Joes) who's space between his teeth takes up the entire screen on FOX.  On CBS there is Jerome Bettis, who's space just takes up the entire screen.  On NBC, there is my favorite analyst of all time, Cris Collinsworth, who's space between his ears take up the entire screen.  There's no room for him.  Well, I guess they could add a 6th person to the pre-game shows, right?

Why don't you just do everyone, well at least me a favor, Brett: just go fishing in Mississippi.  For ever.

Lesbian Ants?!?

There's a species of ants that only has females.  That's right, no males.  So how do they reproduce?  They must be lesbians, right?  No, apparently, they reproduce asexually.  (That's without sex.)  Apparently that's quite common in the ant world though.  Who knew?  That's not very exciting though.  I'd much rather have them all be lesbians.  It makes for a better story.  Way to get my hopes up animal kingdom.

MLB Opening Day

Here is my list of thoughts from baseball's opening day.  I know the MLB won't listen to my suggestions, and my humorous observations won't make you laugh if what I say is making fun of your team, but I don't care.

1. Stop starting the season in April.  MLB, listen.  A game was postponed because it was too cold/snowing.  Granted it was in Chicago in early April but still.  Postponing a game because it was too cold is ridiculous.  And yes, I love opening day as much as the next guy, but I get bored of baseball around June.  Start the season in May, and two of my problems with baseball are solved: (1) no more postponing games due to snow, and (2) I won't get bored of it because the season will be shorter.

2. The Pirates and Mariners are in first place.  Ok, it was one game.  But they are.  And come May 1, you might not be able to say that.  Come April 8 you may not be able to say that.  The good thing is that there are 161 more games for them screw it up, and they will probably screw it up in at least 80 of them.

3. The Yankees payroll has not justified itself.  Yes, one game.  But, here are the box scores of the 2 biggest signings of the off season.

CC Sabathia: L (0-1), 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 5 BB, 0 K

Mark Teixeira: 0-4, 5 LOB

I said the Yankees should win 130 games this year.  They still should.  Let's hope their multi-trillion dollar roster earns their money.  Yankees, to make my prediction true, you only have 31 more games to lose.  Good luck.

Don't Use Your Umbrellas If It's Not Raining

That is all.  But really, if it's not raining, you don't need it.  Believe me.  The point of an umbrella is to keep you dry when its raining.  If it's not raining, you don't need it to keep you dry.  Even if it's like a drip of rain every 153.6 seconds, you don't need it.  Trust me.  Try it one day.  You'll like it, look like less of an idiot, and make me happy.  

Instead of Asking Who Took Steroids, We Should Ask Who Didn't

Name something the MLB and WWF (or WWE, whatever they are called now) have in common.  The overwhelming majority of their athletes take steroids.  Face it, it's true.

Sorry baseball fans, I don't know whether to believe all these numbers these players are putting up anymore.  Yes, I know Barry Bonds took steroids; I know Mark McGuire took steroids.  But I did have hope that a lot of players who made it to the major leagues did it with hard work and practice (you know, like the old days).  One of those players I thought was legit was Alex Rodriguez.  When he had his ridiculous April in whatever that year was where he hit about 75 home runs in 25 games, I joked he was on steroids.  I figured it wasn't true.  He lost weight before that season, steroids don't do that.

Now, my joking might just be reality.  A-Rod tested positive for steroids in 2003.  The only difference between him and Bonds, A-Rod tested positive when there was no penalty.  I guess you should cheat when it's legal to.  But here's what gets me.  In a 60 Minutes interview shortly after the Mitchell Report came out, A-Rod said he didn't ever take performance enhancing drugs.  Lies!  I don't know who to believe anymore.  I really thought A-Rod was playing the game correctly.  Turns out he was "playing the game" everyone else was and is.

He still could be taking steroids too.  He can still be lying, just like he was, and everybody else is.

I don't know who to believe anymore.  I don't know what to believe anymore.  I guess we are just going to have to assume everyone took steroids, it seems to be a trend.  What is wrong with America's pastime?

Out Of Many, One

I go to college, so I've obviously drank my fair share of alcohol and played my fair share of drinking games.  All other games fall short of one, the game that essentially bonds all college students together: beer pong.

I don't know what it is about that game.  But it loved by nearly every college student in our generation.  We all play by different house rules, but the object is still the same.  We all have different shooting styles, but we still aim at the same cups.  We all prefer different beers, but we all drink beer.  

Playing is easy; being good at it is not.  It takes a rare combination of skill, luck, emotional control, and having a 0.20 BAC while still being able to shoot a ping pong ball straigh.  Some have much more skill than others; some have a lot more luck than others.  Some would be passed out with a few beers, some can drink a whole 30 and still be (relatively) "fine".

The game itself, once you get relatively good, or think you are good, becomes very frustrating.  That shot that feels so good coming of your fingers, in a perfect arc toward the center of a cup, only to hit the rim and bounce away with authority, as if to say, "you cocky son of a bitch, I'm not going in."  The more it happens, the more pissed off you get.  Don't lie.  You do.  The key is controlling the anger and sink that next shot.  Having a good partner also helps.

As the night goes on, the games get more and more competitive, or at least "heated," because the alcohol takes its toll.  It certainly gets interesting.  What should be a friendly competition turns into World War III sometimes, except without bombs, and guns, and soldiers, and Germany instigating shit.

The game of beer pong is played at virtually every level, ranging from recreational to national tournaments.  The game of our generation is insanely popular.  Rick Reilly even wrote an article for ESPN Magazine about the game.  Will our generation ever stop playing beer pong?  Certainly we will stop binge drinking, but will we ever stop playing?  It's hard to imagine a world were we aren't playing the game that we spent four (or five, six, twelve?) years in college playing.

There are many different variations, techniques, and rules of what is a simple game.  But, regardless of all these differences, it is still one game.  One we all love.

Barry Bonds Took Steroids? NO WAY!

Breaking news today.  Barry Bonds took steroids.  In case you didn't know, or actually believed Barry.  (I don't know why you would.  He grew from a skinny little kid to a large man.  And all the things that don't happen with normal human growth, like the size of his head massively increasing, happened to him.  That can be attributed to steroid use, but I digress.)

But yes, Barry Bonds took steroids.  You knew he had to when the federal government subpoenaed him.  The federal government doesn't lose cases.  Ever.  Why would this time be any different?  Oh wait, it's not.  Poor Barry.  Well, maybe not.

In other breaking sports news:

• OJ Simpson murdered two people.
• The Yankees signed another player for a ridiculously high contract price.
• The Mets blew their 5 game lead in 5 days in September.
• Brett Favre retired, again.
• Pacman (sorry, Adam) Jones got arrested, again.
• No one cares about soccer, still.
• There is talk about changing the NCAA Football post-season, but the BCS isn't going anywhere, again.
• Phil Mickelson lost a major tournament on the 72nd hole by hitting his drive in the left woods, and trying to be a hero when he can bogey and still win.
• NASCAR is the stupidest sport (?) on the planet, still.  It ranks below cricket, curling, and the winter olympic biathlon which combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting.
• Tom Brady is on the injury report with a sore right shoulder.
• Mark McGuire is not going to talk about the past at a congressional hearing about the his past (alleged) use of steroids.
• Barry Bonds took steroids.

Watch Out For That Poo

If you've ever wanted to get in the face with dookie, now's your chance! Just go down to Tampa Bay where there is a feces-throwing monkey on the loose. He only throws the feces when he's mad, so if you really want to get, piss him off.

The monkey has been on the loose for 24 hours. He's still out there. How can you not capture a monkey? They aren't that fast. And we have technology that's supposed to, you know, help catch runaway monkeys? Oh we don't? I'm sure we do. The monkey managed to evade a bucket truck and a tranquilizer dart. That's a bad shot. You can't hit a monkey? I guess not. I might not be able to, but my job isn't to shoot escaped monkeys. It's probably not that guy's job who was in charge of shooting him, but I still put the blame on him.

Don't worry though, the monkey is not considered dangerous. Unless you piss him off. Then watch out for flying shit.