Best of 2008 Awards

After lots of nominations, my Best of 2008 Awards have been announced.  Here they are.  The awards show will air at 3:00am EST on ABC.  And, if it doesn't, you won't know, because you'll be passed out from all the alcohol you will be consuming tonight.

Best Invention: Hulu.com.  When cable dies, I know where to point the finger.  Same for Ti-Vo.  And quite frankly, I don't care.  Who needs TV telling when I have to watch my favorite shows, when I can just go on the internet and watch full episodes for free and less commercials?  And what if you have two hours of downtime at the airport because security is supposed to take so long but you walk right through it?  Business travelers don't want to do work; the kids have to be busy (riding the moving walkways is only fun for so long).  And, for those of you with Ti-Vo, you don't have to be around a TV to watch a show you recorded.  There's internet practically everywhere.

Best TV Episode: Family Guy: "I Dream of Jesus."  I don't have exact figures, but I can guess that "Surfin' Bird" downloads on iTunes went up about 300 times since that episode was aired.  The plot is so out there; who goes from Surfin' Bird to Jesus's second coming to Jesus turning in to an asshole and getting all the chicks and promising a spot in his limo to a cow?  The greatest line people forget about is in the beginning when Stewie practically begs Peter to sing it again when they are at the diner because Stewie "loves repetition," but each time Peter sings it or plays it, Stewie gets increasingly frustrated.

Best Sports Moment: Giants Beating The Patriots in Super Bowl XLII.  First of all, the game was incredible.  It was an absolutely amazing game.  The kind of game that if you usually leave Super Bowl Parties early because you were there for the first word of the pre-game show at 10:00 am and bored by halftime, you couldn't do that for this game.  Eli Manning's pass to David Tyree wouldn't happen again if you tried 200 times.  And just watching Bill Belichick's always upset, moany, and whiny voice actually warrant being upset, moany, and whiny, made my, and I'm sure many other people's, day.  I mean, Bill, you can't be upset, moany, and whiny when you go 16-0.  Even though you cheated in one of the games.

Song That Everyone Listened To, But No One Does Anymore: Lil' Wayne - Lollipop.  Don't get me wrong, it was a good song when it first came out.  Then it got old after a month.  I haven't heard it in about 3 months.  And, by the way, who ever decides if songs are still worth listening to, thank you.  I mean that song was everywhere: clubs, radio, iPod, playing in everyone's car, stuck in your head, stuck in your friend's head (and you could still hear it).  I am personally just glad that it is pretty much gone.  I mean, you can't dance to it (no matter how hard you try, you'll still look like an idiot), it's not a song you can just sit back and listen to.  I mean, really, in all honesty, that song belongs nowhere.

Best YouTube Video: Bill O'Reilly Does It Live.  I know this video was not recorded in 2008 but it was leaked on to YouTube in 2008.  We all know Bill has a temper, but wow, this is ridiculous.  You are a journalist (I use that term loosely).  You should know what to play us out means.  You should be able come up with something when there are no words on the teleprompter; it's called thinking on your feet.  I'm glad your show isn't live; it wouldn't be family friendly with you cursing up a storm (aside: that's a stupid saying by the way).

Most Overused Word: Maverick.  Shut up, John.  Shut up, Sarah.  That's all I have to say about this one.

Most Flat-Out Wrong Statement: "The Vice President Runs The Senate."  Really now?  I did not know that.  Oh, maybe because it's wrong.  That's not their constitutional job, Ms. Palin.  It may be what Dick Cheney is doing, but it's not what he's supposed to be doing.  The great part about this quote is that when someone asked her before said this, she said "I'll look it up and get back to you."  You still got it wrong.  You must suck a research.  Or someone you hired does.  Or you can't read.  Or the constitution is different in Alaska.  It must be, Russia is close.  Must be rubbing its influence on poor little Alaska.

Best Move By The American People: Not Nominating Hillary Clinton.  We all would have been in hell.  Someone we should have voted for because she is woman, cries, and has been "runnin' countries' and shit" (Katt Williams quote) lost, and I am very happy.  You shouldn't have been voted in because you were just a woman.  You shouldn't have been voted in just because you were in the White House with Bill.  The two things you were pushing made you lose.  Good job America.  Especially because if Hillary was the Democratic nominee, what would we have done?  McCain with Palin?  Hillary with whoever she picked?  Canada would have looked nice.

The "What The Hell?" Quote: "We would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper."  Excuse me?  Really Mike Huckabee?  You would?  That's not good for either the popcorn popper or you, is it?  Are squirrels supposed to be eaten?  Who fries squirrels in a popcorn popper?  Why say that unprompted?  I am really at a loss of words for this one.  It's just so out there.  Wow.  Funny thing about the clip is that he actually asks if they have ever done that before.  I don't think they have.  I don't they will, either.  Especially because popcorn poppers are now microwaves, and I don't think microwaves would fry a good squirrel.

Funniest Quote: On Hillary's Chances of Winning. "Things aren't looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she's just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing."  Jay Leno, you couldn't have been more right.  The amazing part is how Hillary even slept with Bill.  Hillary is more hurt than getting standing in a middle of an interstate, getting hit a tractor trailer, landing on a rusty nail, having a tetanus shot with a non-straight needle, all while getting hit in the face by Oscar de la Hoya (when he was good) and have Andre Aggassi serving tennis balls at your genitalia.  But, Bill must not get the good looking women, Monica Lewinski wasn't good looking either.  Back to the quote, though.  Jay Leno was dead on.  The fact that it is true gives it bonus points.

It's Ok If You Get To Your New Year's Eve Party A Second Late

Usually, I don't condone arriving too late at a party, you want to get all the party goodness.  But this year, you have an extra second to get ready, thanks to a leap second.  

We all wish time could stand still at least sometime.  Well it will.  The clock will hit 23:59:60 before turning to 00:00:00.  How wonderful.  I'm gonna see how much more I can party in that 1 second.  It will certainly make this New Year's Eve better than last year's.  One of the basic principles of life (in most circumstances) is more is better.  And more time to party is always better.

Apparently this isn't the first time that we had to add a second to the clock.  This is the 24th time in 38 years and the first in three years.  Our clocks must be going to fast, or the earth is going too slow.  Something isn't right though.  I guess adding a second isn't as bad as adding a day though.

This might not be big news, or even important news.  But party that extra second up in 2008.  Whoever decides that we need an extra second (who is that, by the way?), might decide not to give it to us in 2009.

Global Warming?...Ha!

There just can't be global warming.  I'm freezing my ass off.  It feels like -30 in Chicago and -10 in New York City.  That's not warm.  And, without doing research, I guarantee that those temperatures aren't the warmest ever or near the top for the first day of winter.  Global warming must have taken the day off.

Oh, I only gave US cities?  Ok, here's some international stats.  All parts of Canada might experience a white Christmas for the first time since 1971.  Today was Beijing's coldest December day in 57 years.  A severe cold wave is going to hit Europe.

Global warming is losing.  Global cooling is on top.  Don't say I'm lying.  If the world is so hot, why don't you go swimming.  Then when you need your ice skates, come talk to me.  When your nuts are inside your stomach, come talk to me.  When you take your hot chocolate outside and it freezes within 34 seconds, come talk to me.  

I don't know if I can believe science anymore.

Are You Kidding Me?

I don't ask that in amazement.  I don't ask that in awe.  I don't ask that in astonishment.  I ask that in the "you've got to be kidding me, what the hell, you're stupid" way.

I hardly ever bother to click on the links on the front page of Yahoo, let alone even read the one sentence blurb trying to convince me to click it, but I was in a welcoming mood.  I clicked on the first one and saw this video of an Indian girl pulling a bus with her hair.  Let me repeat that.  An Indian girl pulling a bus with her hair.  Yes, I typed it correctly.  Yes, you read it correctly.  No, I'm not lying.  An Indian girl pulled a bus with her hair.

I just have one question for her.  Why?

I mean come on.  The video has English words on the bottom describing her and what she does.  It says she has been pulling things with her hair since she was a young girl.  Apparently, she started pulling smaller things, like carts, before working her way up to a bus.

I don't even know what to think about this.  Should I be impressed?  Should I just be like, oh, alright?  Should I not care?  Should I slap her in the face?  Should her parents slap her in the face?

Who just wakes up one morning, especially when they are a little girl, and says to themselves, "I'm going to pull that with my hair"?  Did the parents encourage this?  Were they like, "aww, great idea, pumpkin"?  I really do wonder what goes through people's minds sometimes.

And Indians wonder why we make fun of them.  Well, here you go.  Example A.  

It's not that great a feat anyway.  If it even is supposed to be great.  There weren't even people on the bus.  Fill it with people first (and not skinny little Indians, but fat overweight Americans) and then maybe I'll change my mind.  I doubt it.

Is Congress Really That Bored?

Let's face it, there are a lot of problems in the country and the world.  The economic recession, the threat of biological warfare, energy costs, climate change (which I'm still not convinced is caused by humans), the lack of alternative energy sources, the threat of terrorism, unemployment reaching high levels.  That's just to name a few.  But I guess on the top of that is the BCS.  I mean I completely understand, the system for determine our national champion for college football is clearly more important than all those other things.

First things first, the BCS isn't bad.  It's fine.  It's the system we have now, and it looks like it is the system we will have for a while.  The college presidents don't want to change it, the athletic directors don't want to change it, and the conference commissioners don't want to change it.  Therefore, it's not going to get changed.  So get used to it.

I learned I can be many things in the past week.  I learned I can be a German soldier (see here), and now I can be a Congressman.  Apparently, you don't have to worry about those important issues, just college football.  A member of Congress actually wrote a bill to abolish the BCS.  He is on the Energy and Commerce Committee.  The Energy Committee doesn't have anything else to worry about?  I guess not, just the BCS.  Are you kidding me?  Seriously?  No way.  Come on.

Two of the bill's sponsors are from Texas.  Who got screwed the most in the system this year?  Texas.  Coincidence?  I think not.  The good news?  It is a bipartisan bill.

Can't Get Away Twice, OJ

Well, OJ, looks like you can get away with murder, but not armed robbery.  What happened, did the glove fit this time?

First of all, I don't know why OJ would even do anything like this.  He knows he got away with murder.  Why else would he write a book about how he would have done it, if he really didn't do it?  Why else would he have had a TV special on how he would have done it?  (It got cancelled and never aired, but it was planned.)  Just to draw more attention to himself before this stunt?  Hey, at least he won't have to write a fictional novel in jail.  He can a non-fiction book.  What a great opportunity to expand those horizons and learn a new skill.

OJ did give a 5-minute plea saying he was sorry.  It didn't work.  Sympathy only goes so far.  Lies only last so long.  I guess he used all those up on his previous altercation with the law.  Too bad.

My favorite quote regarding the whole thing was by Fred Goldman, Ronald's father (Ronald was killed along with Nicole Brown Simpson), "We are thrilled.... It was satisfying seeing him in shackles like he belongs."

OJ, I guess we'll see you in nine to 33 years, where I will be greatly anticipating your next move.  I wonder what that will be.

I Can Be A German Soldier

I know what some of you may be thinking.  But, yes, I can be a soldier.  Just not for the American army, that's hard to be in.  The German Army though, I can do that.

Seriously, all they do is drink beer and eat sausage.  Only 28 of them were killed in Iraq since 2001.  Twenty-eight.  That's a pretty good ratio.  

So, whatever the Germans are doing seems to be working.  What are they doing?  Eating sausage, neglecting fruits and vegetables, and drinking 2 pints a day, then claiming they are too fat to fight.  Sounds like a plan to me.

America has it all wrong.  We have to let our soldiers drink, then we wouldn't have nearly as many deaths.  And the war wouldn't seem at all that bad.  Would it?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1091559/German-soldiers-fat-fight-Taliban-drink-boys-dry.html