If You Don't Know What You Are Talking About, Kindly Shut Up

You know who you all are. You walk around acting like you know everything about the thing are you are talking. You talk like you know everything. You genuinely think you know everything. Let me tell you something: in actuality, you know nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Want examples? I got them.

Example A: Italian 101, Friday afternoon, B&E 242, Fellow student claims Arnold Schwarzenegger is 5'1". We were learning physical description adjectives, and our teacher shows us a picture of Arnold at a press conference, with other people standing behind him. Arnold is taller than all of the people in the photo. When asked to describe the governor, he responded "basso," which means short. After the class laughed, the student claimed Arnold was 5 foot 1. Laughter resumed. He was arguing with us that he was really that short (the student claimed the angle of the picture made him look taller than everyone else). After 5 minutes of discussion, the teacher looked it up on the computer and revealed that Arnold is 6'1". Please shut up kid who sits next to me. I never liked you anyway, and now I really don't like you.

Example B: Whitewater rafting on the Gauley River; Saturday morning; Summersville, WV; Fellow rafter thinks he's the best ever. He was telling us how to paddle, how to raft, and what to do. I know what to do. I've been doing it for 5 years. And there is a guide in the back of the raft who tells rafters what to do. When going through a tough rapid where we had to paddle aggressively, our guide was yelling to paddle harder. I was. I looked over to "Mr. Awesome" and he's barely sticking the paddle in the water. Way to guy who knows everything. Don't be scared of falling out and lean over and paddle. If you're braced correctly (and I know you are, since you are the best), you should not fall out. And when he did fall out (at a different rapid than the previous story) he did not even swim back to the raft. I know at least 5 of the 9 rafters in the raft (including the guide) found him incredibly annoying. We aren't going to help you out if you are. Swim your lazy butt over to the raft, especially in flat water, which is where you were. I didn't like you when I met you, and now I really don't like you.

Do you notice a pattern in the last sentence of each example? Maybe I don't give people enough time to decide if I like them or not (I usually make up my mind in about 2-3 minutes.), but I don't think that will change my ultimate opinion of you.

My New Favorite Justice System

I was in history class yesterday and we were learning about the Kingdom of Ghana which was around in 500-1000 AD. We learned about their justice system, and I think we should adapt it, or some similar variation thereof.

When the accused went to trial they drank a mixture of sass wood and water. If they vomited, they were innocent; if they didn't, they were guilty. Sounds like an excellent plan, right?

I mean think about it. Trials would take no more than 5 or 10 minutes. That's what I call a speedy trial. Let's face it, the only draw back is that the media wouldn't be able to cover celebrity's trials for 54 of a 60 minute news broadcast. It'd only be like the amount of time they spend determining if Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and whether we have 6 more weeks of winter. But maybe the news can then spend time on stuff that matters like, I don't know, anything else. (We do have Entertainment Tonight for celebrity stuff.)

But trials will be much more interesting. It'd be like the part of Fear Factor when they have to drink lizard pee or dinosaur eggs (where did they get those) or something else disgusting. But, we wouldn't have to see it. We could put the concoction in a dark glass. Then after that, if you vomit, make sure you get it in a trash can. You wouldn't want to be cited for littering, would you?

That's Ok, I Don't Like Money Anyway

First of all, I'm kidding about that; money is very good. I just wish I had that kind of mentality, and I'm sure many Americans wish they did too, especially now, because, well, no one has any.

The Dow dropped 500 points on Monday. Five hundred. Holy crap. That is a lot. But I am reassured, the fundamentals of our economy are fine. And John McCain never lies. After all, for 5 1/2 years, he didn't have a home or kitchen table. (Ok, that's not a lie, as much as it is a "I'm not going to answer your question.")

But seriously, it's a good thing I don't have stocks. I don't know nearly enough, or anything at all, about the stock market. All I know is that if it goes up it's good, and if it goes down it's bad. And if it goes down this much, we're screwed.

I was a little optimistic after it went up 114 on Tuesday, but lost all optimism when it dropped 450 today.

I wonder how the European stocks are. Or Chinese. Or Canadian. Or Mexican (couldn't be any worse, could it?). Maybe I'll just move there. Nah.

One day we will laugh at all this though, just like when we watch those Great Depression videos in history class. (I apologize if I offended any elderly person who lived through the Depression. I do wonder, though, how you are reading this, especially since you probably can't use a computer. Oh did I offend you again? Deal with it this time.) We just won't laugh about it today, or tomorrow, or probably even the next day (especially since the market is closed on Saturdays), or when the Dow his zero, which at this pace is only about 24 days.

100 Meter Time For Usain Could Have Been Insane

What a rhyme right? I should be a poet. Alright, maybe not because they make virtually no money and have no recgonition when they are alive. I want money when I'm living. That'd be nice. Wow, let's get this train back on the track (if it even started on track).

We all know Usain Bolt is, well, fast. He set the world record in the 100 meters at 9.69. Yes, old news. There was speculation about how fast he could have ran it in if he didn't showboat for the last 20 meters. Luckily, there are some people smarter than Bob Costas and Cris Collinsworth (and by some, I mean 70% of the world population for Cris Collinsworth) who can figure this kind of stuff out.

A physicist in Norway figured out that his time could have been anywhere between 9.55 and 9.61 based on acceleration, speed, position, and whatever else you need to figure that out. I'm assuming a calculator was also used in this process.

But, let's put this in perspective. 9.55 seconds. Are you kidding? I'm lucky if I can get my ass off the couch in 9.55 seconds, let alone run 100 meters in 9.55.

Could this physicist have done something more important with his time? Probably. Would we care what he did with his time if he didn't do this? Nope. Unless he found out that gravity will shut off in 20 minutes. Then we'd care.

http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/trackandfield/news/story?id=3583692

Got To Love Irony, Right Tom Brady?

I love it. This is funnier than your favorite 5 comedians combined.

Tom Brady was on the injury report for 5 straight years. That's (not including pre-season and playoffs) 80 weeks. The one time he's not on the injury report, he gets hurt. And is likely out for the season. I don't know if I can stop laughing.

Oh boy, whew. Alright, breathe. Ok. I can't stand Tom Brady that cocky, arrogant, son of a bitch. I can't stand Bill Belichick, that cocky, arrogant, son of a bitch. So, for this to happen, it's very satisfying. That sounded kind of harsh, didn't it? I guess so, but at least I wasn't wishing for his death.

Was the hit dirty? No. So shut up. It's called football. Last time I checked, that's a pretty dirty sport, even if you play clean. I don't even know what the difference between dirty and clean is, but if I saw it I would know it, and I haven't seen it yet. I guess dirty would be intentionally trying to hurt someone. Or rubbing shit in someone's face; that's dirty, not to mention unsanitary. But, come on, the defender couldn't have thought, hmm, I'm going to tear Brady's ACL here. I guarantee that's not what he was thinking.

In other NFL news, Chad Johnson, oh my bad, Chad Ocho Cinco, should stop worrying about creating a circus around him, and play football. He got 3 fantasy points this week. Three. I could get 3 fantasy points, I am sure. One catch for 22 yards. Yeah, I could do that. So, Mr. Ocho Cinco practice football now that you have time. I know it took some time out of your day filing paperwork for this name change, but that is all gone now. Go practice catching some balls. Tee hee, that sounded dirty.

College Football Analysts Are Wrong

About what, you ask? The excessive celebration penalty against Washington with 2 seconds to go against BYU on Saturday. Yes, it was excessive celebration. It violated the rule. In football, when a rule is violated, the flag comes out of the referee's belt. It doesn't matter if there is 59 minutes left in the game or 2 seconds left. The flag comes out.

The rule says something very similar to this: After a dead ball, the player should place the ball near the dead ball spot or hand the ball immediately to the official. It goes on to say that an excessive celebration penalty includes (and I am quoting the rule here), "(c) throwing the ball high in the air."

That is exactly what the Washington player did. He threw the ball high in the air. He did not flip it over his shoulder (cough, Mark May). It took a good 2-3 seconds for the ball to come back down. And the ball hit him in his shoulder.

I don't care if it tied up the game against a top 15 opponent. Rules are rules. If he didn't throw the ball in the air, there wouldn't have been a penalty. And, for Pac-10 officials to call it (and Pac-10 officials are homers in non-conference play, we all know), it must have been a penalty.